I am what I am

I remember, many years ago I would sing at a festival in my school. I might have been 17-18 years old, and was waiting i the wings to get up on stage. One of my teachers stopped near me. She looked at me and smiled and said: "Sanna, you know, no one here can do what you're about to, nor do it better than you. No one. It doesn't matter if you're nervous, in this moment, no one can do it better." Then she went away and I stood there. I wasn't particularly nervous. But her words had a soothing, warming effect on me and they lingered on. I already knew I could do what I was about to do, but now I knew it even a little more.

I don't know why, but some words, advice or phrases we hear stick forever. I have often blamed my mind to be selective since I more easily remember trivialities or small matters better than great. But these words, I am so glad stayed with me. In some contexts they've served as consolation, hope and a kind of confidence that I haven't been entirely wrong over the years. Now looking back it's almost 21 years ago I started my career as an artist. One of the things I have become acquainted with during this time are auditions. Endless waiting and feeling terrified, the too important and yet necessary ones, have all returned, to delight mingled with terror. In these contexts those words don't work because I'm just one of many who have prepared and not the only one there to do what I do best. As for auditions, you can hardly measure it who is able to do "best", since they're looking for something specific, which usually is quite unclear. However, despite the rather vulnerable situation that an audition actually is, I try thinking where that teacher's words can actually benefit me. No one else is me. I'm the only one who comes in with my expression, my voice, my energy, my life experience. I am what I am despite and because.

"Sanna, you know, no one here can do what you're about to, nor do it better than you. No one. It doesn't matter if you're nervous, in this moment, no one can do it better."

This certainty has over the years become an asset that reduced the influence of nerves. When I'm auditioning, I'm never nervous about not singing good enough. I'm more nervous about not being authentic and sincere enough, that for some reason, some kind of filter will appear between me, what I want to come through, and the people sitting on the other side of the table. I want my "I" to go through. When applying for a job, many of us ask ourselves "what they want" instead of thinking "here I am, what can I put trough, what can I give." Second, we tend to look around the room, look at others and then we're getting aware of the competition, thoughts of "so many of these are so good". That is true, but the competition is never something we can have any power over. Regardless of the competition, I still need to show my "I". If I'm successful in my profession, it doesn't mean others can't be successful too. Often, it's talent and skills associated with who you are, how you behave and what approach you show, along with timing with a capital T, that gets you a job. Of all the things others can do, being you isn't one of them. No one here and in the present can do it better than you. And the wise words are there again.

Photo: Jonas Norén

Translation: Jonas Gunnarsson